Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
