She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
