Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
