his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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