Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
