yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
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