i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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