so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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