Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
you win again, gameday.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
