i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I have fence marks all over my body
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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