I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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