Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
