my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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