ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Randomize
