I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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