Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Randomize
