At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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