So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
