umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Randomize
