you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
She bit a glass in half.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Randomize
