Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
