I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
