you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
