Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
