Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
