Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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