I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
