my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
