C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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