Banned from zoo.
Again?
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Randomize
