the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
