the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
