maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I cut my penus on the lid.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
