dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
