Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
