why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
he shaved USA in his pubs
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
