i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
You're earring is so big in my mouth
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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