so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
