when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
