She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
