Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
