Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
