The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
