Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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