Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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