Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
