Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
