Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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