Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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