I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
