don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
