Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
