You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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