Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
