You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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