Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
